Volume 4 – #10 – October 2001

FUNNY JOKE ISSUE. I am not a good joke teller. I would like to be better at it, but I think it would take lots of practice. When I was a kid (junior high age) I wanted to be a magician. My brother and I would order lots of tricks and illusions from the Top Hat Magic Catalog and the Vick Lawston Magic Catalog. And, occasionally, we would put on magic shows for friends and family. He was a little smoother than I was. I couldn’t stop thinking about the secret while I was performing the trick and always felt I was giving it away through my bumbling. Anyway, that’s how I am with a punch line to a joke; always too focused on it. So, I think a good way to work on this really important project is to write some jokes without punch lines and get comfortable with that and then move on to the next level. Here are my funny jokes:

A man went to see his doctor because his feet hurt. While he was in the waiting room he noticed that a floor tile was loose and mentioned it to the receptionist.

Why did the pregnant teenager order 100 fake Hummel music boxes from QVC?

Grocer Gerald: Did you get your new phonebook today?
Mayor Susan: Yes. Did you notice my picture on the back?
Grocer Gerald: Yes, but it didn’t look like you.

There once lived a dog in my yard.
Who thought that his life was too hard.
So, I gave him a toy
And said,”You poor boy!”

A traveling salesman was driving down a country road in East Texas when he came upon an old farmer and his three beautiful middle-aged daughters and their husbands and their children. The salesman was ahead of schedule so he decided to stop and engage the family in a friendly chat. He introduced himself to everyone and the three daughters agreed to have sex with him.

TV shows with funny titles: 1. ________ 2. ________ 3. ________

My neighbors must think I’m weird. Why, just the other day I was painting the fence when a fancy pink Rolls-Royce pulled up in front of my house. Four very distinguished-looking men got out and approached me with a great big check; so big, in fact, it took all four of them to carry it.

The feral cat situation in downtown Denton is getting really bad.
How bad is it?

A man strolled into a bar wearing a cowboy hat. He sat down at a table by himself and ordered a martini. Before long he noticed that no one else in the bar was wearing a cowboy hat, so he took off his hat and put it on the chair next to him. A lawyer he knew from his hometown recognized him, came over to his table and, without realizing it, sat right down on the cowboy hat, squashing it flatter than a pancake.

They finally found Noah’s Ark. The good news is, it’s still intact.

A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim all went swimming together at a lake. It was a beautiful, sunny day and the water was a royal blue. As the three men walked out of the water onto the shore, the Muslim noticed there were snakes everywhere and commented that perhaps they should find a better spot to sun. The Christian and Jew agreed.

How many cab drivers does it take to change the outgoing message on the company phone machine?

Okay, well that’s a good start. If anyone has a good idea about punch lines for these jokes, feel free to let me know. Otherwise, I probably won’t worry about it.

MUSICAL THOUGHTS. Some of our song arrangements are insanely elaborate. So elaborate, in fact, I actually have to concentrate while I’m playing. That’s a drag. Ask us to play “Cheek To Cheek” or “Fools Rush In” the next time you come to one of our shows. We’ll demonstrate.

In a world of desperate acts, it’s no fun to be surprised. I will only be relaxed when I become civilized.

About ten years ago, we (Brave Combo) were wrapping up a trip to Europe and needed to get from France to England so we could fly home the next day. Bubba, Jeff, Jane and I decided to take a hovercraft across the English Channel. A hovercraft is like a giant inner tube. It’s supposed to glide smoothly along the surface of the water, making the trip in about 30 to 40 minutes. Unfortunately, this particular day was rather stormy and windy and the Channel was very turbulent. But we thought that everyone knew what they were doing and certainly wouldn’t take any chances where safety was concerned. As we pulled away from the dock in France the captain announced that the trip would be a little rough and would take a little longer because we would have to do some zigzagging. No big deal. So everyone on board seemed happy and light-hearted. Attendants were smiling and serving drinks when we hit the first big wave or swell or whatever it was. All I know is that the front end of the boat went way up and then way down. There were about 50 to 75 passengers in an enclosed cabin and when we came down and went below the surface, the thick green water covered the windows. This scenario repeated itself over and over. Luggage began to fall out of overhead shelves, drinks were spilling, once laughing kids started screaming, nausea moved in and many around me began to take advantage of the barf bags and I couldn’t help but notice that the attendants looked concerned, especially after one of them fell down. Jeff slammed down his drink and became very still, Bubba and Jane were convinced this was it and held on to each other as Bubba prayed and I just didn’t want to throw up. It was a very unpleasant place and we didn’t know what would happen next or how long the trip would be. I had heard that a hovercraft snapped in two once and thought about all of the cars that had been driven into its belly. What should have lasted 30 minutes took well over an hour. As it turns out, we were crossing against force-nine gale winds (the worst they ever attempted) and after we all disembarked, the boat was docked for the night. Everyone, including the captain and crew, was visibly shaken and happy to be back on land. Anyway, the most poignant aspect to this whole experience was not knowing the outcome. Since September 11, I think most Americans have felt this way; uncomfortable, cause nobody knows what will happen next. Theoretically, anything could. Will another plane slam into another building? Will every American eventually get his or her allotment of anthrax spores? Will the USA accidentally kill a lot more innocent civilians? Most people don’t ask for war. It’s just thrust upon them. Maybe this is what is happening and maybe one gets accustomed to living in fear, with the threat of this or that constantly hanging around. I think it’s going to be an unsettled existence for a while. And, as a performer with a big mouth, I have to be particularly careful right now. I can’t be too cavalier about any of this. The horrors of September 11 are still unbelievable to me. But many aspects of the last month make me think. Maybe life is always supposed to be heavy and full of significance. Not always negative, of course, but more important than we’ve been treating it. Before September 11, most of us were worried about predictable things and our individual lives were probably somewhat convenience and security oriented. Perhaps our way of life has been more geared to avoiding the struggle for truth and enlightenment because we’re too busy just making it through daily routines. This is okay. We’re Americans, enjoying affluence like no one before us ever imagined. And I guess we can certainly feel entitled, because our ancestors worked hard to help us set it up this way. I don’t know. I better stop now. I’ve always questioned too much for my own good.

Forget how to worry. Enjoy your fear. Have no expectations. Drink some beer.