The Machine’s Pump Volume 19 – #6 – June 2016

HAPPY SUMMER FUN ISSUE
If you’re looking around, seeing what I see, you might think it’s a pretty heavy world right now. The worst mass shooting ever in the history of the United States just happened, the UK has bailed from the rest of Europe, somehow Donald Trump made it this far, antibiotics almost don’t work anymore, mosquitoes are, apparently, out of control, more proof of climate change is occurring daily and, of course, there’s always ISIS and all of that Middle-Eastern terrorist stuff going on. Add to that, the growing chasm between the wealthy and the poor, the insane amount of deadly weapons in the hands of American civilians and our general preference of hate over tolerance and those add up one intense place in time, without even figuring in personal issues each of us is dealing with daily. I’m confident that most people will agree we have plenty to worry about at any given moment. Heavy, indeed. I could comment on any number of crappy things which are going on. It wouldn’t surprise anyone that I might have something to say. Hell, I could write songs about them, with clever rhymes. But what more can I really contribute to the gun debate? Or to the examination of Trump’s laughable scariness? What difference would it make if I wrote a few lines about how I wish I didn’t live in a society that puts money and the trappings of wealth above everything else? No difference at all, that’s what. Our little town, Denton, is busting at the seams and full of controversy and unrest these days. The city council is at odds with lots of folks. One political action committee has accused another of being organized anarchists for opposing natural gas wells in the city limits. And, on top of it all, water, from various sources, has been leaking into the Brave Combo office. It’s a wreck! Did I mention ants and fleas? Record numbers of those little fellows, as well. See, there is no end to the problems. Heavy times! So, I’ll just have to lighten the mood and devote this MACHINE’S PUMP to care-free summer fun.

JOKE 1
Gary: Hey, why so glum, Larry?
Larry: Cause everything sucks, you dumb motherfucker!
Gary: Yeah, good point.

JOKE 2
Insensitive, but well-tanned Southern lass, addressing a slow-moving busboy: Well I do declare. You are as useless as a phone booth, aren’t you, now? As clueless as a VHS manual!
Busboy: Your booth is ready, ma’am.

JOKE 3
Complaining Fred: That music you’re playing sounds like noise.
Explaining Ned: Well, uh, actually, it is noise.

JOKE 4
Struggling musician 1: Man, we played at Dazzle’s last night and only 50 people paid to get in.
Struggling musician 2: Wow, that’s great. We played at Booger’s and only 25 people paid to get in.
Struggling musician 1: Really? Well, I guess we had pretty good night.
Struggling musician 2: I’ll say. Can I have your autograph?

UPLIFTING STORY A
Mary sang an emotionally-charged medley of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” “Amazing Grace” and “YMCA” at a big corporate event recently. She must have done a really good job because several VIP bigwigs in attendance bought her drinks immediately after her performance and offered to have sex with her.

MASS MURDER WATCH GAME (give yourself five points for each sighting).
People in the USA most likely to kill a bunch of people with guns:
1. Gang members (black, white, Hispanic, Asian, whatever)
2. Disturbed high school or college students
3. Drunk good ol’ boys (or girls)
4. Pissed-off bikers
5. Crazy family members
6. Drug traffickers
7. Religious fanatics (Muslim extremists, Christian extremists, etc.)
8. White supremacists
9. Bad law enforcers
10. Sovereign State advocates
All are equal. No difference. Motivation doesn’t matter. Points are the same for each.

RELAXING AT THE BEACH
Here’s a little video from a recent picnic at the lake. Tofu dogs, anyone?

RELIGIOUS HUMOR
Modern Christian: I have a dilemma.
1980s Christian: WWJD?
Modern Christian: What?
1980s Christian: You know, “What would Jesus do?”
Modern Christian: Who?

UPLIFTING STORY B
The TV repairman was bemoaning the fact that no one gets TVs fixed anymore, exclaiming to his friends at the neighborhood bar, “If the damn things break these days, consumers either just buy new ones or let ’em go completely, preferring to stare at computers or phones. No one wants to bring televisions in and have me look at ’em anymore!” The friends, weary of this being the repairman’s only story and one he’d told for quite some time, decided to recommend other lines of work. After someone threw out sandwich shop owner, a light clicked on in the repairman’s head. The very next day he closed the TV repair shop, selling his inventory and tools for practically nothing, which made his wife cry. But the two of them got busy and turned the no-nonsense workspace into a bright and cheery sandwich shop. Before long the new venture was up and running and a steady stream of satisfied customers became the norm. Eventually, however, the sandwich business became too routine (plus, the health inspector found several serious violations). The man and his wife longed for something more rewarding and they needed to get out of town, anyway. So they sold the shop to a tattoo artist, cleared a tidy profit and moved to North Dakota, where they still reside today. She makes fake dream catchers for local truck stops and he fixes TVs in his garage, fantasizing about opening a little sandwich shop someday. Miracles do happen.

See, that’s it. What it’s all about. A simple life that makes you crazy. And as you make that journey, don’t forget about Brave Combo and polka and all that jazz. We are and we do and we’re here for you! Check our itinerary. We are taking it easy most of the summer, but will be raring to go again, once the temperatures return to bearable. Dig? In the meantime, buy one of our cool shirts. Also, take care of your pets and, if you can (and you know you can), adopt another. Summer is the perfect time to make a difference in the life of a homeless dog or cat (or horse or pig or goat or chicken or duck). You know what I always say. “Two dogs are as easy as one and two cats are twice the fun!” Do the math.